And so I break my silence of the last several months.
I really meant to write more updates. I really meant to write more, to journal more, to process more.
Instead, I kept my brain too busy to think about things. I turned to Netflix instead of praying and journaling. I buried my nose in 10 electronic books instead of the one that is Life. I partially isolated myself because I didn’t want to think about the hard things. I stayed up too late and slept the day away.
It’s time to bring myself back – with God’s help because that’s the only way it will happen.
I haven’t known what to say really. That I hate not being in Haiti with Emily and 100 beautiful faces at Lifeline. That I miss that city with dirty air, crowded streets, and beautiful, resilient people. That I love being home with my family where I get to play with my nephew, Adam, and nieces, Brenlyn and Aryn – that I actually get to watch them grow and learn. That I hate being in this time of transition where I have no idea what’s in store for my future. That I love knowing that God has plans and there is hope for my future. That I feel if I’m not careful I could fall into the rut that I lived in for so many years – doing and saying the right things, but not meaning them. That I have kind of forgotten the crazy grace that God poured out on that Belvil house and it’s 80+ inhabitants over that crazy summer just one year ago.
I don’t want to ever forget the ways that God proved Himself faithful in that house with no water and minimal electricity. With it’s stinky bathrooms, crowded classroom, and people sleeping everywhere at night. I’ll never forget the way He provided water through our neighbors. The way He answered a simple prayer to a girl with her hands held open in the form of an iPod touch. The way I could still understand my Haitian brothers and sisters even if I didn’t understand what they were saying. They way God rolled through our worship times on that balcony and would not let us move on from offering up that sweet fragrance to Him. I’ll never forget the chains that were broken and the freedom I saw and felt. The time we had communion and then yelled off the hillside. The way He provided a ridiculous amount of money for everyone to go on outreach and it be totally paid for. The way He provided visas in the most unlikely situations. The laughter. The tears. The growing and stretching.
(Photo credit: Jasen Chung)
So now what?
How do I find God to be as faithful here? Where water shortage is not an issue. Where I sleep in a queen sized bed by myself instead of a 3 inch mat on tile floors. Where I basically have a bathroom to myself. And no one needs to borrow my stuff. Where I have my space and quiet.
Where I have felt like no doors have been opening for opportunities for jobs. Where I have looked long and hard for a car and a job.
On Sunday, my Aunt Mary called and asked if I would want to visit her this weekend for Dodge Days in Dodge City. I said I would love to, but would have to work out the vehicle situation first. I told my mom about it. She mentioned it to my dad on Monday morning, and he said, “If she finds a car by then, because I don’t want her to take my car.” When Mom told me Dad had said that, I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to go. I thought to myself, ‘I’ve been looking for weeks and haven’t been able to find anything, how am I supposed to find something within the next several days??’
Well I finally found a car yesterday. Bought, tagged and legally mine. I was getting a little depressed having looked so much that I wasn’t going to find a car that I wanted. I could have bought a Buick or a tan car (neither of which I wanted all that much). I know, I know, sometimes you have to take what you can get. But see, I serve a faithful God and I wanted a certain kind of car. A Honda Accord. I used to have one that served me well and I loved that Honda car. But then I sold it so I could go to a place I loved more: Haiti. Now God has provided me with a black ’99 Honda Accord that I’m sure I will love as well. It even has a CD player, audio input (for iPods), SD input, and USB input. It just turned over 162,000 miles on it yesterday. I am very happy with this car!
Next week, I’m going to push on a few doors. After I spend the weekend in Dodge City, I am heading on to Colorado Springs. Aunt Kathy has been offering for the last 3 years or so for me to live with her and work out there. I have looked at jobs online and even applied for a few out there, but I think it’s time to go in person and nudge this door a little more to see what’s behind it.
Please keep praying for me as I continue searching for where God wants me at this time.